To eat or not to eat
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Saturday, January 7, 2006
9:57PM
I'm trying to find out if my userpic will finally work.
School starts in 2 days. I am absolutely frightened, yet I can't wait for it all to begin. I haven't been to school in almost two years...and I'm ready to kick some collegiate ass. But at the same time, I'm scared that I'll just fuck it up...pretty much in the same way that I end up fucking everything up in my life. It just sucks. I have determination...but that doesn't mean a damn thing.
I had quite a wake-up call last night. I went out to a bar with some people from the martial arts school that I go to. There was a grandmaster visiting and we were having drinks together. He said a few things directly to me that kind of blew me away and made me look at things a little differently today. I need to refocus my life and my studies and what things I hold important and how well I execute those things. If I fucking say that I'm going to get straight A's, I damn well better get them. There is no reason why I shouldn't.
MOTIVATION!
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Last night, after I congratulated myself for doing good eating all day...I got stoned and pigged out. I ate a can of peaches, two p.b.&j. sandwiches and animal crackers with peanut butter on them. Ewww, it was so gross and I felt so fat afterwards. This morning, like almost every morning I swore off food...cursed it for making me so miserable. So far today I've only eaten oatmeal at 9 am. It's 3:30 and I'm not really hungry yet. I'm trying to make it the rest of the night without too much more. I have a martial arts class from 7 to 8 where I'll get a good workout. But after I think I'm going out with one of my friends and I'm sure we'll get something to eat. The key is not to eat too much or to eat fattening things. I feel so good on days like these, when I'm in control of what I eat, when I feel like I'm accomplishing something, when I look in the mirror and my stomach isn't bulging with on the food I've gorged on.
I think I need to quit smoking weed. Or at least be able to control my munchies...cause they are what get me in the most trouble. I tried to quit a few weeks ago, but for the four days that I didn't smoke I think I ate more because I was constantly thinking about it. Is there really nothing I can do other than work out enough to balance out the amount of food that I eat or work out so much that I can actually lose weight and not be depressed all the time because I eat.
What's wrong with me? all people have to eat...how are girls skinny and still eat...do they eat just enough to get by.
I want to be tone and beautiful and sexy...by my standards. I don't give a fuck what other people think, but when I'm not happy with my body I'm miserable. *sigh*
Current mood:  content
Monday, September 26, 2005
So many days, all I think about is eating. I have been giving in to it lately and you can see it. My middle is getting big. I hardly ate anything today, well that's how it feels now at the end of the day....when I most want to eat, even if I'm not hungry. Today I had a bit of oatmeal and corn flakes, some peaches, a salad with oil and vin. and tuna, and some Life. Oh and when I got up this morning I had some Ben and Jerry's "CHerry Garcia" ice cream...mmmm, that was the best. We didn't get up until 11:30 this morning, so that made it easier...not so many hours in the day.
When I was in the shower this evening, I was prep talking myself about not pigging out when I got out of the shower and had 3 1/2 hrs. to myself. But it seemed while I was telling myself not to eat, and that I could do it..somewhere in the back of my mind it was already made up that I couldn't do it and I would end up eating a lot of shit. I haven't quite been able to get past that block for an extended period of time.
I hate the constant struggle of trying to control what and how much I eat all the time, and how it's affecting the way my body looks.
And oh, I hate never being able to make myself work out on a regular basis. I look and feel so much better than when I'm not. I make my mind up to work out, then something happens to prevent me or at least make it harder and that gives me the excuse to not work out. And then, when I don't work out I get a defeatest attitude and have and eating free-for-all. That's where I've been for about a month now, the constant struggle between the two is draining...I feel kind of depressed lately. I hate the way I look.
Will I ever actually get the place I want. Will I ever really look the way I'd like to. Probably not, but I guess that's what keeps me trying.
Current mood:  aggravated
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Later. I am so tired of having to wait until later to do things-I mean the big things in life, I don't want to wait. They shouldn't. People should enjoy the big things in life, not always working towards them. I am in my prime, they would be so much better now. I know though, that we must work, that we must sacrifice these good things in life in order to have them later-but with a greater appreciation. Which, I suppose in the long run is better. But enough of that, why does it have to cost so much more to live a better life. I just can't get over the way society has made itself, so that it is expensive to live a good life. Even just safer and healthier.
Sunday, December 12, 2004
This is my first attempt at online journaling. I hope to find that it is as rewarding as writing in an actual journal-perhaps even more so. I seem to be at a point in my life when I need as many outlets as possible, and this looks to be a good one.
I'm 20 years old, living with my boyfriend and our 7 month old baby. It doesn't seem sometimes that I should be in this place, that this is actually my life. But it is, and it is glaringly made real when I have a baby screaming in my ear, pulling my hair, trying with all her strength to push away from me and a boyfriend that couldn't care less about me sometimes it seems. He's such an enigma, I really feel that I'm going to lose my mind sometimes.
I do love our baby, she's one of the most wonderful things that has ever happened to me. She's truly my pride and joy. But sometimes I wish that she would have come later in my life. But she didn't, and I have to make the best of what I have. And I do have lots of goodness. When there is bad though, even if it isn't that much, it seems to have the power to overshadow any goodness that might be present. It takes a strong person to push it aside and look at the brighter side of life.
Right now, things with Blake (my significant other) are quite good. But it always seems that we're teetering on the brink of shit. Things can go from wonderful to unbearably bad in less than five minutes. He makes things so hard, and I do think that it's unknowingly for the most part. He has thoughts and ideas in his head that he just can't get rid of, no matter how much I try to show him that he and our relationship would be better for it. He's so selfish sometimes, so materialistic, so self-centered and egotistical. He really thinks that he is the shit, and the way he looks at me sometimes makes me feel that he thinks I'm so far below him. But I'm not, I think that if anyone is ahead it's me. Simply because I can open my eyes and at least
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